Category: Fay Kinuise

Stella standards of free speech

The party conference season is over at last. Speeches ranged across the whole spectrum of hypocrisy – like every year. I managed to interview leading politicians, and Liberal Democrats, about the hottest topic: free speech.

Chris Philp, Conservative:  We have put free speech in the heart of our manifesto. As soon as we get back into power, as we will, we will hand this issue to a commission of civil servants, whose dedication to action is well understood. Remember, it is the Conservatives who promised a British Bill of Rights which set out, before we dropped it, that “free speech is something judges should think about taking into account; if that’s not too much trouble”.

And let me say, if the new commission let me say it, that it joins our existing our manifesto pledges, on lowering taxes, on deregulation and on personal freedom, which we have always had. And I have no doubt that we will be as successful in this as we were in implementing those pledges in the 14 years we were last in power.”

Sinn Féin (anon, masked): “We are committed, and we should all be committed, to free speech by the Nationalist community – and we will kill anyone who questions that.”

Jones, Plaid Cymru: “Rwy’n esgus egluro yn yr hen iaith, ond mewn gwirionedd, does gen i ddim syniad beth mae’r synau sy’n dod o fy ngenau yn ei olygu mewn gwirionedd.”

David Paulden, Green: “It is vital that the people should be able to hear every side of our message. The wealthy and educated have too long dominated the conversation by spreading blatant facts and logic, which we cannot tolerate:  those who spread disagreement with us must no longer be allowed to dominate the conversation, or indeed to be part of it. We have gained acceptance for silencing those who deny that a man can be a woman on Thursdays, or who deny that climate change means Brighton will be underwater by Friday week.  We will embed in the national consciousness our fundamental messages, that War is Peace; Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength.”

Ed Davey, Liberal Democrat: “To show my commitment to free, properly regulated speech, I skied to the Conference, which is harder than in looks, in Brighton! You can’t say that Liberal Democrats aren’t fully in support of free speech – because under our Online Harms Bill, you will be locked up if you do! We will safeguard free expression – and protection against online harms, such as free expression – ensuring online regulation works for the right people like us, not against them.

Our name tells you who we are – liberal with facts, and democrat in the same sense!  Now, watch me on this skateboard! Ow…”

Stella Creasy, Labour: “If free speech means anything, it means that we must stop the voices that prevent people being heard. Labour has tried to get its voice across but entrenched interests force themselves across that message. When we say that we want the economy to grow, we cannot then be contradicted by far-right voices saying that everything we have done is making it worse.  We must be free to say we speak for the working man, without hearing from the far-right that we are causing unemployment, and punishing those few remaining who do work.

Let us be clear:  if the far-right, and I mean anyone who disagrees with me, are allowed to influence the debate with fact, reason, logic and other far-right disinformation techniques, we will never get back into the European Union and never be able to destroy nationalism, and the nation, at last as we all desire.

Speech is unacceptable which it stops somebody else’s view from being heard, and our view must not be drowned out by being contradicted. If we want to stand up for free speech, we have to stand up for the right of people to say ‘stop – actually, you’re not going to change my mind, this conversation isn’t one I want to continue being part of and how you go on behaving means that I don’t feel that I can’t speak at all.’ We must protect those spaces where people do feel they can have a discussion.

More must be done to tackle far-right ideas and divisive memes, like cricket, beer and black labradors. It is hard enough for the Government to do its job, doing all it is doing to the British people, when malicious forces of the far-right and Russian influencers are suggesting that Andy Burnham is less intelligent than a black labrador – when that has never been proved.

We accept that this is a subject which has caused a lot of debate, and we will stop that debate. The line has to be drawn, between freedom for those of us on the side of good, and restricting dangerous, far-right hate speech by those we detest. The line must be drawn, which is a heavy responsibility that must be taken on by the government on behalf of the people – and we know which people. It is consistent with the principle Labour has always upheld in our vision of the all-encompassing state: everything in the state; nothing outside the state; nothing against the state.”

Oh, Donald, ye’re an unco loon

A private dinner, thanks to Nigel, with the Great Chieftain o’ the puddin’ race. Sitting next to Donald Trump, I observed ‘O Donald – what a great steaming pile of haggis you are eating.’

The Davos days being over for another year, all relieved to have got through without having to pretend to be polite to that oik Starmer, the expense accounts exhausted, the hotel emptied, the hotel thieves returning to their desks in their respective capitals. The night for celebrating the Bard o’ Scotland comes around again. Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face. The hosts did their best to persuade the Secret Service that thing with the multiple barrels was a bagpipe and not a deadly weapon, but when it was played, that was rather disproved.

The heaving platter with such a haggis as you have never seen, and the skirl and the familiar address with gushing words afore the gushing entrails bright – my compliments to the chef, for it was an excellent dish. I reminded The Donald that even his vaunted power has its limits – he is unable to get the FDA to legalise haggis in America.

This is a most special year; 250 years since the crowning achievement of the Scottish Enlightenment. As The Wealth of Nations celebrates its quarter-millennium this spring, I raised my glass in honour of the Genius of Kirkcaldy (Adam Smith – not Gordon Brown) and the lessons he taught ‘To the damnation of tariffs and all who would impose them!‘ Donald was displeased for some reason. (It was certainly not the haggis.)

The talk after dinner often descends to serious matters. Syria, where a dangerous extremist president tries to persuade the world he wants peace while his country teeters on the brink of a new civil war. Again, Donald was irritated. The courage of the Persians; the evil of a government which shoots its own citizens in the street – honestly, Donald, what’s wrong – is the suit too tight?

I am glad that we did not ask either Nigel or Donald to give the address for the toast to the lassies: I would not have known which way to look. (Mind you, Burns was no better in his day.) The Donald is I am sure not shy of expressing himself to any woman he meets, which might explain the bruises.

The social whirl continued as I was being escorted out – their tinsel show, an’ a’ that – and I can reflect on another achieving Burns Night.

See also

What we will see in 2026

That time of the year sees a train of New Year’s irresolutions, and predictions disproven in months or days. In that great tradition, here is what we can foresee for 2026:

January: The United States, in pursuit of a Nobel Peace Prize, invades Venezuela and seizes the repulsive Maduro, just so that Trump can look like the badass hero in the second season of Jack Ryan. A protectorate over Venezuela is declared, which is ignored by the Venezuelans.

It’s Davos time. The finance ministers of some of the richest nations on Earth realise with horror that billions of pounds are lost every year to attending a week-long booze-up in Switzerland, mainly of use in funnelling secrets from their staff to buxom Russian spies.

February: John Krasinski announces a delay to his new Jack Ryan film until Trump is out of office, in case it encourages him.

The Winter Olympics are held in that sunshine playground that is Italy. As long as it does not affect prices in the French Alps, there is nothing to see here.

Trump invades Colombia, just because it won’t shut up, and accidentally conquers Ecuador too, because he can’t tell the difference, although frankly neither can the Colombians and Ecuadorians.

Vladimir Vladimirovich feels ignored for te first time in five years. He makes a peace offer, whereby the Ukraine would receive all its territory back and reparations the moment the crayfish whistles on the mountain.

March:   The world celebrates the quarter-millennium anniversary of the creation of the modern world, with the publication of An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations, published in March 1776. A leatherbound luxury volume is hand-delivered to the United States Congress, as they appear to have forgotten all that it teaches about the self-harm caused by tariffs and protectionism. All the Finance Ministers of the G7 greet the anniversary with an embarrassed shuffle, as their revenue streams dry up exactly as the sage of Kirkcaldy told them it would.

April:  Maduro the Mad is arraigned before the United States courts. His defence is simple: he has never been to the United States, so he can’t have broken American law; there is no evidence that he had anything to do with running drugs; and that everything he did as President is covered by state immunity exactly like that immunity Trump has. The courts recognise that the drugs were run by Colombia, not Venezuela, but it is a longstanding American principle that the police can burst in next door by mistake and shoot whomever they find, relying on qualified immunity so that doesn’t matter. The jury are convinced by the prosecution case that Maduro is a shifty foreigner so he should go down.

Two-Year Keir finally chooses to condemn the former Maduro regime for ignoring democracy and annulling elections to cling onto power.

May: The Congress of Gran Colombia meets for the first time in 1830.  The American governor does not intervene, as everything is done in Spanish and so he does not realise what is going on.

Local elections in England are cancelled by Keir Starmer. Those in Scotland are won heavily by Reform, which is ignored by Starmer and Holyrood.

The number of Labour ministers resigning or being arrested reches an all-time high.

June: Nigel Farage calls for Keir Starmer’s resignation and a dissolution of Parliament. The Conservatives and Illiberals refuse to back him, but he gains the support of the majority of labour MPs, because they are fed up with Labour too.

The Republic of Gran Colombia invades Panama because, well, why not – everyone’s doing it these days. The Americans insist they are still in charge, but no-one is listening.

July: All to Glasgow for the Commonwealth Games, a spectacle the city has not seen since 2014. It’s a win for Glasgow since Melbourne dropped out because it would bankrupt Victoria – now it is Glasgow’s turn to be bankrupted.

Millions of radical left-wing students across Britain graduate, find jobs, run face-first into the real world and immediately become Tories.

The Americans are celebrating a local anniversary too, possibly as a consolation for missing out on The Wealth of Nations.

August: The number of Labour ministers resigning or being arrested reches an all-time high, beating June’s record.

October:  Vladka offers a new peace deal with the Ukraine. The nurses ensure that he does not realise he has been in hospital for two months, and Zelensky has settled it all with Sergei Kuzhugetovich long since.

November: Who knows if the world will still be standing?

No news from any foreign coast—
No Park—no Ring—no afternoon gentility—
No company—no nobility—
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member—
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds,—
November!

The number of Labour ministers resigning or being arrested reches an all-time high, beating August’s record.

December: All those Hollywood films we have been teaser-trailered for over a year – the Avengers one and the Dune one, and the mostly forgotten ones – are all released for a big box-office punch-up. And they are all rubblis. Part from Dune.

Rachel the Reiver

A lady should not put her hands in a man’s pockets. It rarely ends well.

Each shop that closes, each pub calling closing time, and that is fewer pennies coming into the Treasury and more going out to feed the swelling dole queue. You know it too, Rachel.

(Civil servants have reported a ghostly  figure of a lady passing through corridors and an unearthly weeping  sound chilling the bones – the haunting is easily explained by cross-referencing the Chancellor’s movements.)

We understand reivers in our family. An ancestor hanged many of them in the wild days on the lawless border (the one Swinney wants to bring back). Once you get to see inside the tax system, you can see there is little difference between taxmen and thieves: maybe that is why the police leave thieves alone these days, as it would otherwise be hypocritical to arrest tax-dodgers. We tolerate tax collectors until, well – Rachel, you have passed the limit.

Crime doesn’t pay, they say, Rachel: I don’t know about that, but tax doesn’t. The more you take, the less money come in. You promised the loonies in your party that you would soak the rich and they lapped it up – well who’s Laffer now?

You are will open-mouthed glee closing down shops and pubs and farms – punishing those who are not rich enough to stash their cash abroad.

Many friends are moving abroad, and suggested that I should do. I won’t: the people there are, well, foreign. The money is abroad already, and it does not need me to look after it. Where would I go? America has no culture to speak of, and their ideal of a historical monument is one built last year. France has Rachelesque tax rates and Italy much the same for those few who actually pay them. In the Gulf they treat women like cattle not goddesses. Switzerland is a delight, but I would want to know that the arrest warrant has been lifted, or wee, libertarian Liechtenstein. Sorry Rachel, you are stuck with me, and we are all stuck with you, for the next few months anyway.  At least you’re not Angela.

While you and Starmer the Farmer Harmer are there, you can but look at a deep, black hole widening beneath your feet and in your little metropolitan bubble you will never understand why.

Once our fellow countrymen in Ireland dreamed of finding gold by following the Little People to their homes – Rachel, you could listen to the wisdom taught by one of the Little People:

Coming from a financial background, I decided to spend some time analysing our nation’s fiscal history. I wanted to know, when it comes to our Government’s revenue, how much does in fact come in. I can tell the House that, since 1955, tax receipts, with limited variation and remarkable consistency, have averaged 36% to 38% of GDP. In spite of the vast differences between Labour and Conservative Members in our approach to setting tax rates, the average tax take has been remarkably similar under Governments of both parties. There appears to be a natural ceiling to what any Government can extract from the pockets of its hard-working taxpayers.

I don’t want to have to think about you. We are after all running into Christmas: a time of peace, goodwill, freezing grannies and bankruptcies, followed by the skiing season. If I cast you a glance, I hope it will be to see you saying goodbye.

See also

Books

Minister’s general purpose resignation letter

To save time, as ministers have resigned in succession, with more to come, we provide a resignation letter which should suit all circumstances, based on recent experience and those in the next few weeks:

Dear Prime Minister,

Thank you for the personal and public support you have shown me in recent days. It has been an honour to be allowed to get away with it for so long, and it was with great regret that I took the difficult decision to resign when I was found out.

I now deeply regret the circumstances that led to me being found out. Reviewing my conduct, I realise my failing in not covering my tracks sufficiently on this occasion. Before this, I have always conducted myself with utmost determination not to be found out, in spite of all the pressures of office when I felt journalists had started to catch on, I have fearlessly spoken out to ensure that truth and honesty have no place in your administration.

I have always known that politics changes lives because it changed mine, with new opportunties and officials to cover my tracks. This Labour government gave me the tools to make lives better, and I have been working relentlessly from day one in government to make mine that life. I am proud that in every decision I made, I did it for myself.

These have been trying times for the country; hard times which we have selflessly caused. In such times, unity is important, and so if I have one criticism it is that the party has in this crucial hour failed to cover up for me. That, Prime Minister is a failing I must lay at your door. I realise that you have your own cover-ups to do, but we must in these days stand together to cover up for each other.

I will for the rest of this parliament continue to do my best to represent the people of my constituency, wherever it is. I remain ready to serve. If you choose in the fullness of time I am called to serve myself in office once again, you may be assured that I will do my utmost not to be caught again.