Category: Fay Kinuise

Dear Foreign Office…

Dear Sirs,

I read that you are currently giving away British territory to people who ask, and paying them to take it. I have always been interested in the Isle of Wight. I will gladly take it off your hands.

The island is a bit far from where I live, but nowhere near a thousand miles of storm-tossed ocean, which you consider to be adjacent.

It has been objected that you only hand out islands like toffee when the United Nations say you should, but I do not see this as a roadblock: the UN is largely made up of ex-colonies which want to humiliate old colonial masters, so it should not take much to obtain a ruling. I can see them smirking as I write. After all, your own records show that the Isle of Wight was illegally and forcibly invaded and depopulated by King Cædwalla of Wessex. I should have little difficulty proving Jutish ancestry (I expect I could find a great grandmother who lived in Kent) and so an unquestioned claim to the island, by United Nations standards, that is.

I do not wish to disturb existing naval and port installations.  I will of course respect the vital environmental importance of Wight as an agricultural reserve. Indeed, farmers will be safer there than in Great Britain.

While protecting the environment of the island and its surrounding seas, there is still a need for sustainable development of this neglected territory when liberated. Through my contacts, the Bijou fu Cong-de-Xi PLA Tower will be sensitively designed in the style of the native gun forts, with a tower which will provide fine views over the Portsmouth Naval Base; and this is just the first of a string of such establishments that will dot the coast. A group of  Somali refugees I have been working with are also looking forward to the opportunity to extend their maritime business to the Solent.

The many billions of pounds that other countries have received need not be as generous here: there is good capital to be received from investors who will be peeking. Nevertheless sufficient money to rub in the post-colonial reparations would be useful.

I have no doubt that you can obtain any parliamentary approval as may be needed: several MPs have been paid, and others are keen to assuage their post-imperial guilt-by-proxy for which this transaction will be ideal.

As to your responsibilities – you are the Foreign Office and, for good or ill, the care of the colonies has been entrusted to you, so you must by default consider them to be foreign. This would something of a surprise to those of my family resident in Gibraltar and Bermuda, but there is no arguing with bureaucracy, and no reasoning with it either.

I see this as the start of a positive relationship of mutual benefit, and so look forward to receiving your agreement.

See also

Books

Interviewing Putin

Oh, Tucker – how they treat you! It reminds me of my own interview with Putin in Moscow a few months ago.

Fay: Доброе утро, господин президент.
Putin: You can start behind the plant-pots: the last cleaner missed some bits of severed finger. Oh, the interview? I was hoping for a Dimbleby, but I have to make do. Or maybe Trevor Noah – I like him.
Fay: First of all, congratulations on your re-election: the result looks like a major show of confidence in you.
Vladimir: The election is not until March: I know you got the head of the electoral commission drunk last night but he should have been more discreet.
Fay: In 2022, you invaded an independent country seeking to overthrow its government and incorporate it into your empire:  how do you justify that?
Wladimir: I have always admired the British, and I want Russia to be more like you.
Fay: Nevertheless, this is shocking to public opinion: the world these days will not accept any country invading another sovereign state unless the invasion is by America or Britain. The public is outraged by seeing the first war in Europe since what you call the Second World War.
Vovka:  The Asiatic steppe is not Europe – and I watched NATO bomb Belgrade, occupy Bosnia and dismember Serbia.
Fay: All right – the second war in Europe…
V: Our files show your father served in Cyprus, in an unofficial capacity during the EOKA war, and later the invasion. And your great-uncle was in Greek and Italian wars in the late 1940s.
Fay: The first war in Europe that the TikTok generation have heard of?
V: Better. Now, let me tell you about the history of Russia: the great Rus’ people… the Kievan state … the Tatar Yoke …the struggle of Moscow with Tver…  Ivan Grozny entered the gates of Kazan and by the time he departed the land flowed with blood … the time of Troubles … Zaporozhian Cossacks … Taras Bulba (curse that Tony Curtis) … Lodomerian King of Russia … Austrian yoke … Polish tax on peasants’ poultry … the egg yoke … Hitler (actually he had two)…
Fay: Yeah – so much for Simon Whistler.
V: So you see that the Ukraine is an inseparable part of Russia, and the temporary independence of its government is a technicality – purely an internal matter for us.
Fay: Just like Ireland then.
V: You understand.
Fay: This is a great, powerful country with a rich and vibrant culture who worldwide impact has been huge. How did a squitty little, squeaky-voiced dwarf like you get to be in charge?
Sorry – those are my notes for Rishi Sunak next week. It must be a privilege to guide a country stretching over eleven time-zones, twelve if you include the Ukraine, all of them in the eighteenth century.
Volodymyr: Mind the stairs on the way down. The open window at the end is just to air the building.
Fay: I greatly admire Russian culture – music, literature…
V: Actually, you remind me of a character from Dostoevsky
Fay: Agrafena Alexandrovna perhaps, from The Brothers Karamazov? Beautiful and intriguing?
V: No – the title character in The Idiot.
Fay: While I am here, there is a lot to do. Moscow has some fine restaurants that I have not yet tried. I was hoping to pick up some Mussorgsky at the Bolshoi…
Vladimirovich:  Performances of Boris Godunov have been cancelled – and any play where Boris is a hero. Still, you know what happened to him.
Fay: I am hoping to interview some of your opposition leaders before I go home.
Waldemar: You’ll have to hurry – they have been very ill.
Fay: Since when?
Vlad: What time is it?  Спасибо – In 37 minutes.
Fay: So, where would you recommend if I want to visit historical sites redolent of Russian culture?
V: You have already spent four days in St Petersburg (I have your itinerary here – most interesting). There is a more ancient city east of Moscow – you should take the Vladimirka. Also try Kiev. I will arrange for special treatment.
Fay: Thank you for a most enlightening insight into the force which governs Modern Russia.
V: Force is the only thing that can ever govern Russia. Now I have another appointment. Igor here will see you to the top of the stairs.

 

Looking forward at 2024

Not however looking forward to 2024. However reluctantly it comes, there is a year ahead.

January:  The usual wars and rumours of wars and earthquakes in divers places. 90% of the population are still suffering from the mega-flu all month. Another tax-cutting plan is published:  the twelfth since this time last year, and just as realistic as the last.

February:  Virologists meeting in an international conference, deeply puzzled over the continuing flu epidemic as no Chinese laboratory was known to be working on anything like this.  Chatham House finally admits that even they have lost track of how many wars are going on in the world.

March:  Leaders of war-torn countries gather in an international conference with one determined aim: to stop the rest of the world getting bored and forgetting them. Rishi Sunak in the meantime suffers another scandal – nothing like as bad as the several scandals in the Labour Party, but they are not expected to behave like gentlemen, so nothing need be said. Presidential election is held in Russia, and no one dares to laugh.

April:  The film Civil War opens in American cinemas. It is immediately condemned by half the population as left-wing propaganda and by the other half as right-wing jingoism. About three people get the point – showing Americans what they do to other people’s countries when they get involved. Fights break out in movie-theatres across the land with no sense of irony.

May:  The local elections happen. Just don’t ask. Both sides win, according to them. The mega-flu is still going on. Suspicion is raised (dismissed as ludicrous speculation by most doctors) that it might be natural and not created in a Chinese lab like normal diseases.

June:  The general election. Don’t assume you can sell your house to flee to the free world: the economy is plunging as the exit polls come in, and New Zealand will not take us all. The nation speaks, and says “The lockdown impoverished us, so we will choose the party that would have done it harder; taxes are throttling us so we will choose the ones who will tax us more; wokery and green obsession are punishing us, so we will vote for those who will imprison us for dissenting .”

July:  It is time to tighten our belts as the economy plunges and all unconcealed assets are stolen by socialists. We will all have to reassess our priorities, cut down on evenings put at the opera, and even cut the wages of the domestic staff. I am sure we will all be doing the same.

August:  The BBC finally cancel their longest-running children’s television programme because ‘Well, what’s the point? The remaining viewers hate us, and we hate them’. Ncuti Gatwa is redeployed in a drama, playing an agent in Chinese pay who conspires to cover up scandals leading to the deaths of millions. It is called  ‘Doctor of WHO‘. (By now, I could be in the Caribbean or reporting from the best restaurants in St Petersburg as I’ll be beginning to lose interest.)

September:  A journalist remembers who Vladimir Zelensky is. ‘Hey man; you used to be big – what happened?’ Even Volodimyr Putin has forgotten who he is:  but by this time he has forgotten most things. He does wonder why all his ministers are wearing white coats these days.

October:  An Irish businessman flies into London and asks about buying up whatever is left of Britain after four months of Labour government. A meeting with Keir Starmer goes nowhere as he’s crying under his desk and won’t come out.

November:   Well, Donald, you got your wish:  you will be back in the White House in January, at least figuratively: you will be breaking new ground by having the first presidential inauguration ever held inside a New York state prison. For the next four years you will have to schedule your cabinet meetings between the exercise yard and slopping out.

December:  I’m not sure we will get this far, frankly.

Getting the band back together

Overheard in a pub last week:
“Mate, how’s it going? It’s been years!  You remember the old days, you old rocker?”
“Great days!”
“Great days! But we need you, man; it’s been all gone wrong since you left the band”
“Hey, that was another life – things move on, you know? My rocking days are behind me – I’ve got a sweet house in the Cotswolds.  I can feel what freedom is like – not bundled up in a hot, sweaty room waiting to go on against hostile crowds. It’s better here, with a wife and the children…”
“Yeah – how’s Sam these days?”
“Keeping well. Her sister often comes by to see if she can pick up any hot gossip”
“Is she with the NME?”
“Something like that, yeah.”
“D’you remember when we were first bursting on the scene? There was that time I saw you off your head in the flat singing ‘Gordon is a Moron‘…”
“He was – and you’re copying all his moves!”
“Great days”
“Great days”
“We’re getting the band back together, Dave – one last tour, and it’ll be epic!  We need you as our front man. You’re the face they want to see. On the international ours, you’re the one they know and they want you, Dave.”
“Great days! But I had to go when the rest of you didn’t want me, after that last international your, when, you know…”
“What? You walked out on us!  You said you’d stay on however the results went, but then you whistled a little tune and were gone!”
“You got that clown in the replace me. What happened to him? And those two girls – I don’t remember their names.”
“Me neither. Yeah, we got the joker in and the fans loved him – we got our best returns ever. Then he turned out to be just another waster: wild when we needed him to be serious and sombre when we needed him wild, and he never kept the roadies in check so the roadies ended up running us, and running us into the ground.”
“I told you – didn’t I tell you? To keep it going you need the press to love you.”
“They stopped loving the joker soon enough. One of his discarded wives has become a scribbler herself.”
“With the NME?”
“With the enemy, yeah. Don’t you miss it though, Dave?  The lights, the tours, the wildness? Just one more tour, one more and we’re all done. Even if the home fans are gone, the foreign fans love you  – for them you are the face of the band and you’re the one they want to see up front.  Come on, Dave – one more, and this time next year we’ll have gone out in a blaze and no one will hear from us again.”
“OK, Rishi:  do I get the use of Chevening?”

 

Trump in asylum

The official letter comes from the Foreign Office:

“Dear Mr Trump, your current troubles are a cause of concern, and so the British Government will offer you political asylum in the United Kingdom. I asked the Permanent Secretary where we would hope to see  you: he replied “asylum”, so we will offer just that.

Being guilty as hell has never been a bar to the grant of refuge here. And if sacking the American Capitol were considered a shocking act, we would have to tear down a number of stautes to our heroes of 1814.

Your forthcoming trip to London, ostensibly to attend the High Court, is a good cover.

(I should warn you about what to expect in the High Court. A dispute between two Americans over an American contract for an event in Moscow is not unusual, but may raise eyebrows. It is understood though that the world brings its disputes to London as its courts insist on impartial justice and will not allow the lawyers to behave as if they were overacting in a low-grade Hollywood movie.  You will find that quite a contrast with the courts you have been spending all your time in.)

You are entitled to take up British citizenship when you arrive, as your late mother was a British subject. There is, I understand, a small cottage where she was born, and you would be welcome to take up residence there, in the Outer Hebrides – indeed we would be glad if you do.

According to the polls, you are likely to be beat Sleepy Joe easily and be elected as President of the United States next year. At that time you will still be  a wanted criminal in several states and so will need to stay in Britain. You need not worry – the American Embassy to Battersea  was  completely fitted out to function as a replacement White House for when a president is displaced by foreign or domestic enemies.  All we would ask is that you do not use this to imply British support for anything you do, and that you do not check too carefully in the flowerpots by your desk or behind the covfefe machine.

You may still speak to your supporters from Cyberia – until we get a Labour government, in which case expect frequent power cuts.

On your arrival I will personally ensure your safe conduct to the asylum system.